Tangled

Sometimes I feel like my life is just this tangled mess of things to do, miscellaneous tasks to accomplish, endless bills to pay, and driving destinations that don't take me anywhere.  I want to just take a break from it all and go on a mental vacation. The problem is, that evenually I would have to return to my life and the insanity of it would have increased exponentially with each moment I was away.  Funny how that works, isn't it?  No matter what I do to try and slow things down, it never seems to work. Anything put aside, is only delayed.  Anything delayed, is added to the ever growing heap of doodoo that I can't escape.  So what gets sacrificed? The things that actually do bring me a little peace.  I can't delete things like taking the kids to school, or paying the phone bill, or shopping for groceries.  There never seems to be enough hours in the day to do all these things, much less write, or go for a walk on the beach.  What I can do is dream. I dream up my poems. I dream of a time when I'll have more time.  I keep trying to get things done, and somehow write in between.  It'll happen one day, at least I hope it will.



Photo by William Salas

Feeling better...

Today, the sun was shining. There were a few fluffy clouds in the sky, but for the most part, it was a nice day. I actually got a few things done, made some phone calls I've been putting off, wrote some necessary e-mails. Tomorrow, I may even go back to editing my novel. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.  Today, the sun was shining. I'm good with that.

Gray Skies

There's something about this kind of weather. At any time during the day you look outside and it's just...gray. It removes all sense of time. It's brighter than the night, granted, but there's no morning sunrise, or afternoon shadows.  For me, the time slips right out from under my feet, because I feel like it must still be six or seven a.m.  The next thing I know, it's evening, time to make dinner...and where did the time go?

I remember I used to enjoy this type of weather. It was the kind of day that I could just stay in, make cookies and watch an old movie. Somehow in the midst of adulthood, motherhood and just plain life, I've gone from enjoying the overcast to dreading it.  The lack of actual direct sunlight sends me into a world of melancholy limbo.  I call friends, I write e-mails, Twitter my fingers off. I try and keep busy, doing housework or running errands, but all I want to do is curl up, go to sleep and wake up in the Spring.  Unfortunately, I don't really have that option.  So I must fight the grays.
If only they had "Sky Color" in a box at the nearest drug store.
Someone should invent that. They'd make a fortune.

Meanwhile, I guess I'll go put the clothes in the dryer.

Experiment

Dear Friends, I've decided to try something different with this blog. I want to try and write something everyday. It will probably be very short, more like a single thought or image rather than thoughts on a particular subject.  I'm hoping this will encourage me to actually write everyday. It always seems like other distractions keep me from actually doing that. Sometimes I will write a journal-type entry, other times maybe an idea for a poem or story or just something I see outside the window or while I walk my dog. It may be just a few words or maybe more. That's the plan anyway. So here we go. 
Just a little note, today is my mom's birthday. I need to call her.  :)
She's the best mom in the world.

A New Year...

Normally in January I have this feeling of second chances, and starting over, and feeling like things are going to happen. So why does it seem like every day that passes I look around and...nothing. It's the same old thing. I'm still on the same merry-go-round. I still don't have enough hours in the day. I still don't have enough energy for what I'd like to do much less for what I need to do. I try to be optimistic, but nothing seems to change.  So where can I buy some rose colored glasses? I try to be optimistic, but nothing seems to change. How do I get that "anything is possible" attitude? They say you can find anything on e-bay, but I'm not sure what category to search under for these things.  It always used to come so naturally, but I've been waiting, looking, and running around in hopes of a miracle: something that will make me want to wake up in the morning, something that will convince me that life will get to that place of relative peace. I'm having a hard time believing that I'll ever get there.
I know this feeling will pass...at least I hope it will.  Hormones and exhaustion reek havoc on me. It's hard to think of the last time I felt rested.  
For now I just get through each day, hoping tomorrow I'll want to.
Caren E. Salas

Up Too Late

I often find myself up too late, lying in my bed, unable to sleep. Worse yet, I stare at my computer thinking that since I can't sleep, well, obviously I must be destined to write something brilliant. I can't just be...up for no reason.  Unfortunately, more often than not...nothing really comes to mind.

Christmas just ended, not quite an hour ago. I'm exhausted, but here I am, trying to make sense of my insomnia.  Go figure. Memo to me: New Year's Resolution - get more sleep....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA! (Yeah, right)

Well Happy New Year to everyone! Resolve to laugh. I think we can all use a little laughter.

All the Tiny Tims

The other day I was watching a cheezy tear-jerker Christmas movie (my favorite kind) on the Hallmark Channel.  It was yet another of the countless versions of "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. As I watched I realized that no matter what kid they get to play Tiny Tim, I still cry every time he/she sings or says "God bless us everyone!" It's not the kid, mind you, it's the look on the faces of everyone else. It's the look of helplessness, because they know this child they love is in pain, probably dying, and they can do nothing to stop it.

I often write about my frustrations and tribulations with my health, and my experiences in connection with it. It's what I know, and what I deal with everyday. Thinking about the Tiny Tims in the world or more accurately, the ones who love those Tiny Tims, made me realize how blessed I really am. If someone has to be hurting, I'd rather it was me.  What parent with a sick child wouldn't do anything to change places, or give their life in exchange, rather than bare the loss. How many people see their close friends in pain and wish there were something they could do? How many wives have to watch their husbands suffer with cancer,  feeling powerless.  How many lovers must merely watch, as the ones they love die slowly of AIDS.  It's all around.

This season is held up as a wonderful happy time, but for so many...it's not. There's so much I can't do anything about...but hey, I can call someone and let them know I care. I can offer a hug or a listening ear. I can invite someone to dinner, or for coffee. I don't plan to wait for visitations from the Ghosts of Christmas, before I try reaching out.

This season isn't about the gifts we buy, but the gifts we give. It's not our presents, but our presence. 
Happy Holidays Friends! And "God bless us everyone!"

Caren E. Salas

Thank you to Robin Harrison for this photo from "A Christmas Carol" CSUDH