The Hard Part...

With our house finally "finished" and graduations and birthdays complete, the sun seems to be setting on "the hard part", and (hopefully) what will happen now is a more relaxing summer.  I'm trying to be optimistic.  In truth, there is still much to be done along the lines of unpacking and reorganizing, to say nothing of the Black Hole which still needs to be explored, and conquered. 

Still, I find myself shedding my usual cynicism regarding at least the near future. Instead of feeling like my life is a constant merry-go-round of routine and drudgery, I have hopes that this summer, things will be better.  At least that's how I feel today, in this moment, and considering that's all I can know, I'm going with it. 

Wish me luck. Maybe the hard part really is over.



Photo by William Salas

Happy Birthday!

Today is my son's 16th birthday. Soon my oldest daughter will be 18.  She just graduated from high school.  Yikes.  Feels weird to think that soon I will have "adult" children.  Yet I look in the mirror and can't deny the signs those years have left on me.  Watching helplessly sometimes, I see my kids going through the same things I did.  I guess everyone has to go through the craziness in one way or another.   You can only hope that your kids manage it, and come out in one piece.

I've been reading "The Poet's Handbook", by  Judson Jerome. It's not exactly light reading, but I really want to know what I'm doing on a higher level than what I'm doing now.  I've been writing a lot more poetry lately, which is how my whole interest in writing started. It's one of those things I always just "did" without much thought to doing it for any reason other than the need.  There are publishers who won't even glance at a picture book in rhyme unless you are a "professional poet".  Technically I am, thankfully, having sold a whole whopping two poems for money.  (I've gotten other work published, but not for pay.)  So I feel a little like I've gone back to school. I sit with my book and a notebook, scribbling down notes and vocabulary fit for a Rhodes Scholar. (Did I even spell that right?)  There are so many people out there who call themselves poets but who really have no clue.  I don't want to be one of those. 

Meanwhile, I need to get back to my glamorous life: paying bills, getting the car washed, making sure the laundry gets done....fun fun fun.

First Day of Summer

Well, here it is, the first day of summer, and as is typical for So Cal, the June Gloom is hiding the sun until noon-time. I'm sure I say this every summer, but this year I'm gonna' spend more time at the beach! I'm gonna' get out my wetsuit (yeah, I know I'm a wimp - but I hate cold water!) and my body board! I'm gonna' take my little dog to the dog beach and dang it, I'm gonna' have a nice relaxing summer if it kills me!! Believe me, after the last few months, I deserve it.

I'm trying not to get discouraged by the giant "to do" list and the fact that nothing seems to get done when all my kids are at home.  I'm praying that my body cooperates and doesn't decide to shut down just when I get to the good parts.  I'm hoping that the economy doesn't continue to suck...the life out of all of us.  I'm hoping that the goals I set for myself are at least kind of realistic.  I'm counting on the sky NOT falling, and the shoreline not receding.  I guess I'm more optimistic than I thought...or maybe I've lost my mind completely.  Um, yeah, that's probably more likely. Either way, Happy First Day of Summer!



Photo by William Salas

Waiting

I feel sometimes like I spend so much of my time waiting. I know I'm should "live in the moment" and all, but the "moment", at the moment - kinda' sucks.  I suppose if I could wake up in the morning and feel great, it would be easier to be optimistic.  I can try and enjoy the good times here and there, but a part of me is always thinking that my life is going to get better any day now.  The other part of me is saying "yeah, right, keep dreamin' honey."  I set markers:  When this gets done, things will be better. When the weather gets better, things will improve. When pigs fly...

Feeling a little melancholy today. (Can you tell?)  I should be excited. My furniture is finally coming. My house is almost done. However the amount of work I have to do in the next 24 hours is sure to take it's toll on my already weakened body.  And nobody around here seems to care. Apparently, I'm Super-Woman and I'm indestructible.  I've got news, folks...

Sometimes MS is called an invisible disease, because it's not obvious to others that you're struggling. The pain is not always something people can see...so everyone assumes you're fine.  If I complain, I'm not taken seriously, or I'm faking, or being "dramatic". What has to happen before anyone realizes I'm hurting?

Well, enough about that. Gotta' get get...boom boom pow, and all that.

Blah

The weather today matches the way I feel. It's grey and overcast and looks like it wants to rain. 
I'm tired. Tired of moving boxes. Tired of dealing with this house. Tired of being tired, and feeling crappy.
If I were a cloud...I'd be raining.
People keep telling me the end is in sight.  I'm thinkin' not.  I have a long, long, way to go, and now that my MS is acting up, the road will be even longer. 
To my friends: don't tell me it's almost over, or that things will get better.  Just tell me you'll be around to listen, and make sure I don't seal up the windows and stick my head inside my brand new oven.

"life"guard...

photo by William Salas

What the heck...

I briefly had a journal-type blog, but decided it had become way too personal so I deleted the lot of it.  Unfortunately, I still found myself needing that outlet and although I have decided that some things are clearly not appropriate for a public blog, I have decided to document some of my thoughts.   My other blog started off as a cross between this and poetry but then sorta' morphed into being strictly a poety thing, with an occasional aside.  I'm sure very few people will be interested considering my life is far from glamerous or exciting. But hey, what the heck, this is more for me than anyone else so here I go...